i hate me. i hate being me. do i mean that? i dont know. i hate me for hating me. does everyone have such days? when it hurts just thinking, just breathing, just being. this inertia of not able to do anything. not thinking, not breathing, not even being. not existing. because no one knows anyway. no one's here. you're all alone all alone all alone so very alone and desperate and no one's here and no one will come and save you from this depth of misery you're still here, still cold, still lonely the minutes go by you hate time to its eternity it cant pass quickly enough and its passing too quickly. and youre still here waiting not being not thinking not feeling not trying not willing not saving yourself.

as what nic wrote to me in a letter:" there's nothing we cant handle with faith and grit. What lies behind us and in front of us, is nothing compared to whats within us. "
i feel lonely and shattered and tired.

we ask ourselves, who are we to be talented, intelligent, popular, gorgeous?
but, who are we not to be?

here's to determination and will and strength and motivation and courage and happiness and 5 hours of mugging a day.

i am stressed! STRESSED, i tell you and its only the 3rd day of school. bloody ass. med sch is going to be the toughest of the whole lot man.
- i hv to memorize all the bones in the body by tomorrow.
there are 206 bones in the body.
-everything is in LATIN. or GREEK.
- i cant follow during lectures. the bloody prof is bloody fast i hv no bloody idea what he is talking about. just in one lecture he finished all the bones, the joints and ALSO the muscles. can you believe that?
- i have a chem test on friday, which i havent learnt for.
-i cant get onto the bloody athena website (our fac's online learning platform).
- we hv to cut up corpses tomorrow and im not sure how i will handle it.
- angie and sonya are coming to visit me! :D i am SO happy though on the other hand i want their stay to be perfect but that means a lot of things to buy, to plan etcetc and i have no bloody time for that!!!!!! i hv no food inthe fridge, no bed for them, no nothing.

sigh.